Switzerland votes NO to the building of Muslims
BREAKING NEWS: Swiss vote to ban the building of Muslims...
The spectre of religious and racial intolerance was raised over Switzerland last night as a majority of voters backed a deeply controversial proposal to ban the building of Muslims in a referendum which instilled fear among the country's Muslims and shocked the Swiss government.
Under the proposal, the building of a Muslim would constitute a criminal offence. In addition, for a Muslim man to possess a functioning penis and sperm-filled testicles would be punishable by up to six years in jail or deportation, while fertile Muslim women would be obliged to install CCTV cameras in their fallopian tubes.
Ungern Hussman, a Swiss proponent of the new measure, pointed to the dangers - "To my mind, a loaded Muslim penis and ball-sac constitutes an effective Weapon of Mass Destruction. To allow such dangers to proliferate, quite literally, under the noses of the Swiss people, this is too much. On the subject of women, again, we know that these Murder Pods are capable of producing a new Terrorist every nine months. Perhaps one or two per cent of this progeny will grow to have respectable careers, but the rest will soon be strapping dynamite to their chests and exploding in marketplaces."
Hardliners are pleased with the ban, though, for some, it was not enough. "We want to cut off their penises and pour cement into their wombs and observe the hardening process" said one, who, understandably, asked not to be named, "We do this in the name of the Swiss principles of fairness, toleration, and respect for human rights."
Cricket!
So, the Allies won the rigged toss and have sportingly elected to massacre their opponents in the changing rooms, what a tactic! Jeff Boycott there, he's saying something, my word, he's giving the only survivor a broom and a fearful bollocking, waving his rulebook. Anyway, a reserve team representing the Iranian contingent of the Axis of Evil today, straight out of Central Casting, there's Osama Bin Laden, 911 not out, averaging 3.6 terrorist outrages a year, but alarmingly out of form this year, hasn't so much as swung a bat in anger, has he lost his touch? And there, Ali Baba and his 40 thieves, warming up in the slip cordon, a perennial favourite of the crowd, see those whiteys boo! And, how's that for pluck, one little tike has just launched a grenade into the midst of them, that's set them moving! And Sheik Abdullah's got it tangled good and proper in his, traditional dress, pyjamas to you and me, and how you like that! The Sheik is All Shook Up! Seriously, folks, that's the first time I've seen an exploding Sheik in 30 years of broadcasting, truly one for the scrapbook.
Now, we're getting started, the umpires are walking out, and today it's Dick Cheney, a stickler for discipline, surrounded by bodyguards, pausing only to insert a cattle prod into the anus of an animal rights activist and deny all responsibility, and no, wait, is he signing autographs for the children, the man's going soft? No, just another trick from this wily old cut-purse, walking away, happy as a sandboy, chomping on a half-inched toffee apple. And partnering him today, a friend of freedom everywhere, George W Bush, wiping blood from his hands, and, what's that? Blood everywhere, holding up his hands, stigmata, here at The Oval, quite extraordinary, and the paramedics rushing in, George laughing, well, Richie Benaud, what do you make of that? “Well, Jack, I've not seen anything like it since The Vision of Jim Laker, Trent Bridge, 1922, England requiring a miracle in their final innings, unlimited time test matches, back in the day, and Jim, quite literally, falling to the ground and begging God for assistance, for the necessary fortitude, something that sent a wry ripple of amusement around the dressing room of the Baggie Green Caps, I can tell you. And no angel emerged on that day, Taffer Glampucket, tearing in, right arm around, googlies, Chinamen, chalk lips, exacting oaksponge, a barrage, leaving them bloodied and bruised, the Pommie bastards, crushed by 239 runs...”
Thanks, Richie, and while that was going on, George W Bush, in a quite criminal state of disarray, fountains of blood, spurting wildly, he's covered an entire class there, on an outing, 7B, with Mr Maynard, a real baptism of fire for those youngsters, still, it's a day out, unforgettable stuff. So, a replacement, and here's Tony Blair, the one, the only, striding out to the jeers and guffaws, as security go in, that's one on the jaw for freedom! Baton charging them, as Blair pauses, stock still, he's not going to, is he? He is, Blair unveils a grin wider than Hattie Jacques' hips, and for those not into the big, the beautiful, the charms of the buxom, or simply born after 1949, I'll tell you folks, that's wide. A grandmother has run on to the pitch, she's pointing, pointing at Blair, I hear the words, “Liar!” and, she's gone, vaporised, and it's that man, Mandelson, front row, stroking a gazelle, slipping away a Death Ray.
Enough. So, both teams are out, and to make it fair, the Iranians have been deprived of bats, pads and the use of their eyes. I understand the captain spent the last two weeks dangling upside down in a Bromley warehouse, looks much the same as any other Middle-Eastern type, dark, swarthy, as if there's a grain of sand under his foreskin. So, first up, opening the bowling for the Allies, General Barbarism of the British Army, left arm over, charging in from the Pavilion End in an armoured car – and it's... a slow full toss, and there, flashing outside the off stump, 78 Muslims down, yes, presumed dead – that's a mighty appeal, and, it's given! Her Majesty raises a finger, and that's it, dismissed, bowled the British Army, caught by the USA at silly-mid-wicket.
And now, Iran, cheating, atomic dirt in the pocket of the Ayatollah, Ahmadinejad stops play, pointing to the fading light (of Allah), in the evening sky above Headingley, the minarets and the smell of linseed oil... No, the call is rejected, on the orders of Tel Aviv, play on. What-a-hit! Hammered through the covers, unseating a team of UN weapons inspectors, they'll try for a third, Lockheed Martin returned that with interest, by Jove, a real daisy-cutter, the batsmen, miles out of his crease, the legs, literally ripped from under him. And that's it, another fabulous one-day international war, settled in fine spirit, handshakes all round, virgins for the dead, champagne for the victors, a public flogging in Tehran awaiting the vanquished. Now here's Jill with the effect of all this drama on the commodities markets... We'll be right back.
Finally, the new Jerusalem…
At 4.15pm on this day, Pinhut Enterprises established its permanent HQ in the El Peten department of Guatemala - an unlikely spot, but was a likely spot ever to present itself?
"We waited so long for something that was never to come..."
Festive syllogism
I hate people.
Christmas is all about people.
Therefore, I hate Christmas.
British Army website selective ‘news’ section
I just, on a whim, tried searching for 'Baha Mousa' on the 'news' section of the British Army website.
The British Army website has no mentions at all of 'Baha Mousa' despite the newsworthy fact of his murder by British soldiers and the subsequent MoD payout of 2.83 million to his family (and families of nine other men).
I sent the following email to the British Army:
I have searched through your news stories but find no mention of Baha Mousa who was killed by the British Army in 2003.
"On 14 September 2003 Baha, a 26-year-old hotel receptionist, was arrested along with six other men and taken to a British base. Whilst in detention it is claimed that Baha and the other captives were hooded and severely assaulted by a number of British troops. Two days later Baha was found dead. A post-mortem examination found that Baha suffered multiple injuries (at least ninety-three), including fractured ribs and a broken nose, which were 'in part' the cause of his death."
As the MoD paid out 2.83 million pounds to the family of Mousa following acknowledgment of 'substantive breaches' of Human Rights legislation, I think this story would merit being added to your otherwise comprehensive news on the performance of the British armed forces.
Jason Kennedy
Nation wakes after 12 years in a coma
For twelve years, the British people were imprisoned within their own heads. After a near-fatal electoral Labour victory in 1997, they watched troops go off to war, a leading scientist found dead, and listened to the innumerable excuses of Tony Blair, who finally quit the scene, leaving a fat joke of a man to run the country (into the ground). But they could do nothing. Unable to turn their heads from the television, or move anything more than their thumbs to text message votes to Pop Idol, they could only watch in horror as two illegal wars unfolded.
Experts presumed that the British people were in a permanent vegetative state, with some suggesting that it would be kinder to 'pull the plug'... Others pointed to occasional flickers of the eyelids and the faintest of sighing as proof positive that some sort of brain function remained. One fascinating case was that of a middle-aged housewife who would spontanously evacuate her bowels when giant images of Tony Blair were flashed before her eyes. Still, all was quiet.
Then, the discovery of pre-9/11 plans for regime change in Iraq, along with disclosures from Pakistani officers that they tortured British citizens with the UK's blessing, caused an amazing response. To the utter astonishment of the medical community and the world at large, the British people's brains were found to be functioning almost normally (Simon Cowell's career immediately ended).
"I had dreamed myself away," said Mavis Hamilton, "all I thought of was reality TV shows and the next slice of pizza." Now I can do normal things again, such as express disgust and moral outrage and march through the streets to demand the investigation of Blair and his government for war crimes.
It is thought that there may be many other cases of nations in comatose states around the world, with experts already anxious to examine the US and European democracies in greater detail.
Sadly, the coma has had a powerful effect, and many of the British people will spend the rest of their lives in intellectual wheelchairs. This is a direct result of the mass media starving people of the oxygen of free debate, while the fake emotions generated by Big Brother and Pop Idol and X Factor have damaged the hearts of the nation, making them unreactive to genuine emotions.
In compelling testimony, one man expressed himself using a wire attached to his foot - "I could hear and see everything that was taking place, but I was completely unable to communicate. The feeling was of powerlessness. Utter powerlessness. At first I was angry, then I learned to live with it. The hardest part was seeing Labour returned to power, all those grinning nightmarish faces. At that moment, I wanted to die."
A spokesman for Human Rights Watch described the techniques the UK government had used on its people as shameful, "Once a population is intimidated into surrendering its consciousness, it is very hard to get rid of that, it is self-perpetuating" he told a press conference. "The UK government has done everything in its power, pressurising its judiciary, basically begging for this slumber to go on undisturbed for as long as possible."
But today, as the British people wipe the sleep from their eyes and awake to a transformed world, voices are already being raised in anger, and a nation that has sleepwalked for 12 years now wants answers.
Tony Blair was last night unavailable for comment.
The Boston Trial
Fascinating excerpt of the court record from the trial of Naked Lunch.
http://realitystudio.org/texts/naked-lunch/trial/